I’m Going Soft

When driving around with the kids, I typically have my radio set to one of our local Christian radio stations. It seems like they have less commercials than other stations, my six year-old loves to sing along, and I get annoyed if I’m trying to listen to the news or a story on NPR and the kids keep interrupting with questions/fighting/general neediness. So Christian radio it is.

It has been an ongoing joke between my husband and me. The songs are pretty repetitive and sometimes the talk is…well, pretty hokey. I know they are trying to “keep it clean” but sometimes my cheese-o-meter starts going off during some of the banter between the radio hosts.

But lately it has been getting to me.

A few weeks ago I heard a song I really liked and wanted to know who the artist was, so I pulled out my smart phone and used the Shazam app to identify the tune. Much to my surprise and chagrin, the song was by Michael W. Smith.

What.the.what?!  (It was Sky Spills Over, if you are curious.)

“Get it together, Mary!” I thought to myself.  

But it’s happening more and more. Yesterday, even the hokey banter got me all teared up. The host was talking about dropping his daughter off at college and I lost my stuff driving down Third St.  Not that I have a heart of stone, but I generally find this particular host super-annoying and overly dramatic.  Apparently now I love that kind of crap.

And it’s not just the radio. Recently during church worship I’ve experienced a phenomenon I’ll call “Desire to Dance while Waving my Hands and Crying.” What is happening to me?!

The biggest change I’ve noticed is that this time last year I was counting down the minutes to back-to-school. The thought crossed my mind to put the baby in daycare and go back to work full-time. I was ready for a change.

And I got one. But it is not at all what I expected.

Next week, we will begin homeschooling. My kids, all my kids, will be with me ALL.THE.TIME. Last year, I think this would have made me want to breathe into a paper bag. This year, I can’t imagine it being any different.  

I want to be with them. Sure, they often drive me nuts and I constantly feel overwhelmed with LLM’s behavior and Baby Girl’s todderliness, but I’m not trying to escape.

I’m leaning in.

And the only explanation I can give is that God has softened my heart towards my kids. He has changed my desire and I am so thankful.

I’m going soft.

And I am so grateful.  

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