So we gave homeschooling a try and turns out…it’s not for us. At least not at this time. There were some good parts, but overall it was not a good fit for the dynamics of our family. (This is the polite way of saying: it pretty much sucked all day er’ry day.)
It was a really tough decision to put the kids back in school. I felt like a failure. I felt like a quitter. I worried what people would think. I spent lots of time berating myself…telling myself that I am rash. That I am fickle. That I am weak. Asking myself if another mom, a better mom, could handle this thing that I couldn’t. I made a list in my head of the ways that if I could change, maybe I could make this homeschooling thing work. The kids liked homeschooling….so that meant I was the problem. If only I could be more patient, more creative, more disciplined…if only I wasn’t so…..me, then it would work.
And then one day, driving down a road I drive down most every day, a thought hit me:
What if what I’m telling myself is not the truth? What if I’m exactly what they need?
What if instead of telling myself I am fickle, I praise God that He made me willing to try new things until we find the one that works.
What if instead of telling myself I am weak, I acknowledge thankfulness for a community with great schools and dedicated teachers who welcomed my boys back and made them feel as if they’d never left. I recognized that what we were doing at home was not sustainable, and I sought help. That’s not weakness, that’s strength.
What if instead of berating myself for being rash, I trust my instincts and feel good about making the changes I know are for the better.
And what if instead of wondering if a better mom could do all that I can’t, I trust that the God who made something from nothing, who organized the elements into living, breathing creatures, didn’t make a mistake when He gave my kids to me. It wasn’t chance that landed me as LLM’s mom any more than it was chance that made the heavens and the earth.
I am exactly what they need. My abilities, even my weaknesses, and their needs are perfectly matched.
Dear mommas….you are exactly what they need. You. Not an improved version of you. You, how God has gifted you specifically. Even what you might view as your weaknesses, God can use them for good, and He promises to do exactly that.
Change the script in your head. You can do this. I promise.